The term “Self-Love” has become very ingrained within our culture. It is hard to go a day without scrolling past a post on why self-love is important. And while self-love has some aspects of truth, does the cultural definition of self-love line up with God’s true definition of love?
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Self-Love Defined
Self-love is defined as regard (considering or thinking of, in a specific way) for one’s own well-being (the state of being comfortable, healthy, or happy) and happiness (the state of feeling or showing pleasure or contentment). In other words, self-love is specifically thinking of your own comfort and feelings of happiness and pleasure.
Self-Love is Harmful
The idea of culturally defined self-love is harmful to us. The surprising thing is: it’s not new! The idea of pleasing yourself goes back to Adam and Eve being tempted with the forbidden fruit. The Bible offers many examples of why we should not live according to our own passions and desires. James writes that “temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. When sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death” (James 1:14-16).
Even Jesus spoke of following your own passions, saying that “out of the heart come evil thoughts – murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander” (Matthew 15:19).
Obviously, culturally defined self-love is not phrased in quite the same way as these verses. If it were, then its harmfulness would be easy to see, and we know that the enemy is deceptive (2 Corinthians 11:3).
Take a look at some of the self-love philosophies: “Start each day by telling yourself something positive about yourself – such as how much you love your body.” “Follow your passions.” “Live your life to reflect how you feel.” While all of these things are not inherently bad in themselves, they take the focus off of God and place it on yourself.
Again, this is not a new concept. Paul talks about placing too much emphasis on yourself. Romans 12:3 tells us to “not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.” Paul is not saying to belittle yourself or to have a false humility. Rather he is instructing the church to know their place in the Kingdom of God.
The Roman’s practiced this kind of self-love
The Idea of self-love was prevalent in the Roman Empire, and this is where we find Paul writing his letter. The culture back then was much the same as it is today. The Romans believed in being tolerable of others because each person owes it to themselves to pursue their own happiness. The Roman Empire was focused on pursuing all the pleasures life had to offer with little regard to consequences. So Paul reminds the church that when you are focused on yourself and your feelings, the kingdom of God loses priority in your life.
That is why, in Paul’s letters, he writes to do nothing out of selfish ambition, not looking to your own interests, but to the interest of others (Philippians 2:3-4). How can you put others above yourself when you are focused on pleasing yourself? Self-love goes against who God calls you to be. But then, if self-love is not actually loving, how do you love?
God’s Love is Pure
God’s love is defined in 1 Corinthians 13 as patient and kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Reconciling God’s Love With Loving Yourself
Now that you know the difference between God’s love {a love that is pure} and self-love {a love that is toxic}, how do you love in the way that God intended?
First, you need to know how much God loves you. God is the standard when it comes to love. You cannot possibly love yourself unless you know how much your Creator loves you. Ephesians 1:3-14 talks about God’s love for you. How He chose you before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. Psalms 139:13 says that before you were born, God knit you together in your mother’s womb. He knows every detail of you and he loves you.
If you can learn to rest in the knowledge that God loves you fiercely, with a love that is relentless, constantly pursuing you and desiring a deeper relationship with you, you will begin to see that you do not need culturally defined self-love. You will have one that runs so much deeper. Your love for yourself will be patient and kind, bearing with your faults. It will not keep a record of your wrongs, knowing that God has forgiven them so you can too. Your love will be humble, knowing that you stand before the Creator of the universe. Your love will be whole, because you have been reconciled to the Father.
Learning to love the way God does
Learning to love yourself as the Father loves you is the only way to truly love. It is only through God that you can grasp the concept of love. And once you know God’s love for you, it overflows from your life. God’s love causes you to love yourself and love others around you.
The way to know God’s love is to first of all pray, asking God to reveal His love to you, and second to read His word. The Bible is a love letter written for you from the one who loves you as no other ever has or ever can.
Reflect on the knowledge of God’s love for you
Have you bought into our culture’s lie of self-love? How can you spend time this week reflecting on the love that God has for you? As you go about your week, be reminded of the unsearchable and unconditional love that our Father has for you. Take time to meditate on His word.
Go now in the knowledge that the Father loves you and carries you in the palm of His hand.
